Catguin's Playground

From past events I have learned that I am not suppose to blog about my thru feelings, at least not about bad things. But during practical today I went around and look at other people's blog. Didn't know that many expressed their feelings. And I guess its better if I express mine as it has been cooped up for days and I am very sensitive towards things nowdays.

It all started way back, when they all talk in suspicious tones and start to write in Chinese. A look at my calendar tells its for me, I was so glad. Days after days passed by and it seem more and more obvious as our dolphin come and ask me each time they thought of something to do. Getting something for a person who is half guy and half girl is very hard, even till one night our dear dolphin had to call me and ask what I want. -_-ll worst is I don't know what to reply him as I gave it much thought, I dunno what I want.

For the two weeks before the day of my birth, i can see how they are crapping bout it. And It makes me so happy, of course, I had to pretend that I dunno about it. I tried to forget it, but it apprears in my dream. The happiness that they brought me just knowing they are planning something, makes me smile and giggle unconsciously. Making people stare at me. I even giggled when I ate marmite. Which at that point, I dun mind if they buy me a can of marmite. I am just happy enough already.

One night, I realized that tong tong and ky live on a very tight budget. I asked them not to overspend. How I wish I could tell them that even a can of marmite will do good. But knowing them, they will not admit that they are doing something for me, yet. So…I had to put it in a subtle way. I am more worried that they spend too much and of all days my day falls in the end of the month where people usually don't have much.

My dad had warned me, my family had warned me, I am not suppose to celebrate my birthday this year because of a Chinese taboo I carry since birth. Actually its carried from generation and generations. I am not allowed to have a cake nor presents. Most people have this taboo as when they reach 19 it's a bad year and we ignore that we are 19, we always say that we are20. In addition to that my uncle and grandma passed away on 39 and 69. I cannot blame my family. But I dare not tell my friends. I told dolphin but in a subtle way. Cuz deep inside me, I want to celebrate it, very much.

When dolphin again called and ask what I want, I told him that it is not to make it too big and expensive. I would love it if we just sit and eat and chat like what happen during shabu shabu. I don't have anything specific but just sitting down and crap. That's what made us best friends in the beginning. I can still remember the 4am calls.

Then it seems that the discussion got intense. I can feel it as dolphin get stressed and stressed each day. I could not read ky nor tong tong's face when they are sad so I could only rely on dolphin which breaks my heart into tiny pieces when I see him that stressed.

Finally the day approaches. I look at dolphin and he seem so stressed. I ask him what happen and all he say is nothing. Then I thought, if dolphin is this stressed, what about others? Will they find this very irritating? Will they just burst and then I would not have them as my friends again? My worried grow and packed with days and days of test and exam and stress from work and stress from house, I am ready to burst. Not burst in anger, but burst in tears.

My eye turned red but I forced myself to suck it in. But something like this will never skip dolphin's eye. For one second it turned red and I tried to hide it in. And then the conversation began and the stories I heard broke my heart even more. I was sad, unhappy and really really heartbroken. I could not believe what happen and how can my best friend turn this way? Have I tot they are my best friend but they have not? Then my aunt's word rang in my mind, there is no such thing as a true friend. Then I totally lost it. I could not decide to keep my faith on my loved ones or trust my beloved one. What should I do?? My heart was nothing but in pieces again.

I lied in my bed and gave a call to turtle, which is the source of comfort I always get when tears drip. But sadly he was busy. So I turned to another good friend of mine. I found some comfort, but not much as she was also very mad once I told her what I heard.

Moment of consciousness I later had. In my mind, I thought, am I very weak? I think again that for the past few months, I have at least seek comfort from turtle twice or more. Each time I am in tears till it dried. Reason turtle became the source of comfort is that I know he won't tell much people. But I stressed again, I am not blaming you and your not guilty. Because I know carrot will know about it from you, I expected that he will be abit unhappy, but I NEVER expected him to burst into anger. To me I do not worry if carrot know, cuz in my mind, the things I heard is true and I think he should know it too since he is involved, but I got a shock of my life when I receive his 10 sms long sms.

Before that, I sat in front of my pc and played harvest moon, trying to get things out of my mind and tried to rationalize it. Then I choose not to listen to anyone (sorry darling) and I choose to just ignore what happen as I didn't want anything to happen. I sit in front of the computer and then hope time pass and have a great time on my birthday. I was anticipating what they have planned. And tho guilt has covered me up to my nose as I found out everyone is broke and turtle had to swim from stapak and back for test at 3pm. So I just say, stop worrying and things will work out on its own.

12 am struck and I am delighted to received many sms wishing me a good birthday. Which of course make me smile. I was happily gaming harvest moon and then suddenly I was slapped with a 10 sms long sms. And I was worried, I defended myself. But the more I said the more he didn't understand me and I wanted to give him a call but he refuse to answer. I want to know what happened and I called turtle and dolphin up from their dreamland. Turtle think that it no big deal and dolphin as scared as hell. Dolphin like any protective bf called him and tried to explain but it make carrot irritated. And I did warned him not to call, but dolphin is very guilty and called and called. I tried to stop, and I force him to stop, but did he ever stop, I just dunno, but from ky's blog, it seems that he never stopped.

I played the game till midnight, till morning, till 6am where I am suppose to go uni. I cannot open my eyes, I have been awake for 24 hours and my eye is about to drop out. In addition to that I was not feeling well again. During this month of ghost festival, I am always not feeling well. I asked dolphin to call me when they are going out. I will join them, as I didn't want to disappoint them. Which now reminds me to clear things out, I DID NOT SAY I WANT TO CANCLE THE CELEBRATION, I am just trying to defend myself as sms were getting vulgar and i just cant make you understand what I am trying to say.

Next morning I woke up seeing someone apologizing and I guessed that dolphin again told him what happen. I didn't even bother asking dolphin to stop telling as I know it is too late to stop this fire from spreading. Blame me for sleeping so late and blame me for not asking dolphin to keep it to himself. Strangely, today everyone is extra expressive and in the wrong way.

But I don't blame dolphin, his act was purely in the name of love, I don't blame carrot, his act is purely in the name of buddies and I don't blame turtle, his act was purely in the name of curiosity.

The entire day I tried to get carrot out of my mind, but I kept on miscalling tong tong, turtle, jian shin and dolphin with carrot's name. Again and again. I just wonder what is wrong with me…

The fact he does not reply me sms make me worry more, I wonder what can I do to amend it, but then I realize, if what I have done for the past few months has not proven what all of you guys are to me, then nothing will as I have no more idea how to tell him. Now I actually ask turtle what should I do, but it seems like there is nothing I can do.

Of course I cannot do anything now as my presents just give him such an intense aura. Tho I wish that will not happen.

Back to the day, the entire day I missed him. Actually. (sorry la darling, friend only k?) And my day goes by forcing myself to smile and crap more. I tried so hard to get it out of my mind that I almost got insane.

The next day thursday, I could not wake up as I again played harvest moon from night to 6am again. And I as well didn't want to go work. Yes I have lost ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY. I guess if this thing happen between me and turtle or tong tong I will also feel the same. First time I was so depressed first time I force myself to forget, first time I just couldn't, even tho I tot I succeeded.

On Thursday when dolphin is working, I was gaming at home (I chose to game instead of work when I can still go to work, I woke at 12 the work at 3. Surprising for a non gamer like me?) I keep on gaming and focused on how to win the game. My eyes were glued on the clock telling that I should stop and study, but I just can't. As I am getting better, which I tot I am, crossx smsed me and asked me what happened, but I really dunwan to tell him as I refuse to think about it again. Then a reply in sarcasm from him made me think again. Yes turtle, I told you I was ok, I am ok as I am not mad or hurt with carrot, but I just keep on thinking about him. Yes,dolphin is going to kill me but it's the truth, the flashback I get is always about class school, what I have said and what I have done.

On Friday I woke up again afraid on how to face him. I arrange my account class to be from 4 to 5.30 so I wun bump to him. During exam I saw him, I approached him but he walked away, so……. I guess he needed time. So I decided to attend account tutorial at 4. Funny is he didn't attend class earlier, so my wait was wasted. Not completely tho as I slept for a while and reenergize myself. I woke up dreaming bout him. This time, dolphin is so going to kill me. Now I am here thinking I was fine after one week, but once something triggers me, I just think about him again. Aih…no.i am nto in love with him (that's just to clear things up for dolphin before he run carrot over with his red car)

Conclusion: SORRY for not believing in you hon tong, I wish I can tell in your face but I don't have the guts to. Sorry for creating this trouble. Sorry carrot for making you angry and lose your trust in me. Sorry darling for everything. And sorry turtle for always looking for you for source of comfort. I apologize deeply and hope you can accept me as your friend again. But I wait till you are fine.

At one glace you will think that I am closing down my blog, I meant that I am closing down my blog, I spell it correctly, I highlighted it and the question remains, is the statement above true?

The answer is…no.

I am not closing my blog, I am just simply attracting you to look at my post on this long dead blog. I will not close this blog, I m just bored and I have nothing else to say XDXD

Ok, for the past few weeks, many things happen, we had alternate test each week for discrete math and calculus, and I didn't blog about one of the big events, UTAR BALL 2007. And I am not going to blog about it now XD

In summary of what happen past few weeks,

1. I went to the august pc fair twice and our dolphin actually bonded with my cousin. If you need someone to crap with, patt patt and dolphin and carrot will be the best choice. Altho they will threaten you that they will cut you up into 4 pieces and each will be cooked with original flavoring, spicy, black pepper and mushroom (sounds like kfc) but it is a good price to pay for to inject some psychotic virus into your brain.
   
2. Now our dear Nostalgia jess is sotong sotong chan!!!!!!!! Hehe
   
3. Sotong speaks EXACTLY like turtle. Wonder their child will have a turtle shell and tentacles.
   
4. I was addicted to RO game, Ragnarok battle offline and I played for 3 nights consecutive until my lappie runs our of battery. It had to turn black when I was playing halfway because I refuse to stop when they keep on warning me about the low battery.
   
5. My brain is about to explode.
   
6. I Hate my business accounting lecturer who suddenly make another online exam. THEY PROMISED 2 EXAMS ONLY!!!!
   
7. Today was the public speaking competition. I actually got our dear Carrot and Patt Patt to join the competition. Its good thing that I had their IC number and ID number beforehand XDXD
   
8. I have some important announcement to make : (beware, it is gonna be a long read ahead)
   

Today is the public speaking competition, and it is going to be my last event for the next three year (I think). I had enough of DSA, I got an information that they blacklisted me because I was dishonest as a treasurer. Then I thought, the finance actually pass my budget and report, money is paid to UTAR Finance, and everything is being submitted to Finance Department and approved and settle last YEAR (yes last YEAR) and now they suddenly accuse me of being dishonest? Well, I thought about it, it must have been the whole letter or certificate thing. It must be SUPER coincident that you will find fault in someone after A WHOLE YEAR and after they had USED YOU to the MAX. My temper had submerged and I am letting the whole certificate thing go, but they always create things for you. No wonder one by one they people who work in DSA leave the place, and the position is now filled with Indians and more Indians.

I guess they have nothing else to say and nothing else to do because they know it is hard to convience me to work for them anymore. So like the art of war, if you cannot make the person work for you, kill them for they carries the risk of being an enemy. Now is week 11 and for the past 3 weeks, I have looked around me and pay attention to the event that was organized. I joined those event which are mathematic competition, Utar ball and many more. When I attend the event, I looked around as the committee ran around doing their stuff and looking super busy. When I look at them, it reminds me of myself. Then I wonder, why do I love to do events? The happiness from event organizing is when the VIPs and people praise you for your good work. Happiness also come when you see your event was such a success, and also the amount of friends and popularity you gain puts a smile on your face. You win some friends, you eventually lose some friends. I have lost many. In addition to that, friends you gain from events may not be close to you. Popularity is not a fun thing to have as people constantly, AND I MEAN CONSTANTLY judge you. One moment people will stare at you and idolize you, but once you did something wrong, you're out of the book.

One of the advantages of organizing event is also you can get first class seat in most of the event and you get to decide what is going to happen. Like a boss. I might not be able to attend utar ball but luckly I am able to purchase committee ticket because of the people I know. I get a cheaper price and also I have the seat just in front of the stage! Lucky le?

Thinking back, I list down what event I had once organized:

1. Safety Campaign (Assistant Secretary)
   
2. City Tour January 2007 Intake (Treasurer)
   
3. Ice Breaking January 2007 Intake (Refreshment and Ceremony Manager)
   
4. Microsoft Vista Campus Launch (Publicity Team and emcee)
   
5. Registration, Mass Call and Campus Tour May 2007 Intake (Secretary)
   
6. City Tour May 2007 Intake (FICT Coordinator)
   
7. Ice Breaking May 2007 Intake (Assistant Secretary)
   
8. Public Speaking 2007 (Vice Chairperson)
   

Now that I look at it, I was actually disappointed at the low number of event I did. However, looking back I did one event in 2 months (almost) while juggling with my studies, not too bad actually (perasan edi XDXD)

Organizing event is fun, making new friends, some idolize you, many know you (try being an emcee in front of thousands of student) and too many will judge you. I realized that I am slacking in my resolutions. I would love to maintain organizing events, but I will keep it OFF UTAR and keep it outside for profit purpose. If I were to organize anything in Utar, I will ensure that it will be done through lecturer and other departments OTHER THAN department of student affairs. This is because that I learn from this public speaking competition, when you are under someone who truly cares for your being and want to make Utar more active, they will help you with their heart. It is actually not as hard as those manager and officer thinks. They are so afraid of taking risk thus making people HATE (yes, H.A.T.E) organizing event under DSA. (I am getting vulgar) They had to SUCK UP the managers SHRINKING BALLS (which is why they say this cannot that cannot and play safe) and make other student LOOK DOWN AT YOU and telling you that why can't you make this event more interesting? The managers with absolute no balls put red tapes around you so they won't get fired.

I can STILL remember the black guy who made my carnival a flop. I will make him suck his own balls someday. I personally think it is useless to work for someone who take care of their job and eat your heart up.

If and only if I am to ever organize anymore event, I will directly consult the dean from today onwards.

Then my mind wonders again, how am I going to fill up my time? SNAP! A lightning strike on me (not literally la) I now have to teach kumon student, study ACTUARIAL SCIENCE (math is my worst enemy) and i have to bond with my close friends. I no longer want to know many people (well actually they know me cuz I can never remember their name unless they change it to Kelvin or Calvin or Kevin or anything that ends with "vin"), I need to have more and more close friends that will stick to you thru thick and thin, someone you can count on. I had just too many things that I wanted to do which until today I have not succeeded. I have an entire list of it but I never got the chance to do so. I am now age 19 and my special age is going to a waste by using it on organizing events only to benefit others, it is time to be selfish again.

I want to

1. Go out and play with my friends more (I SOOOO REGRET not going with my friends to Yong Tou Fu lunch at ampang because of the city tour meeting I had)
   
2. Learn to dance (and this time I am serious, I will pay for the classes and join them and practice DAILY)
   

• Latin dance
  
  • Salsa
    
  • Barcelona
    
  • Jive
    
  • Cha Cha
    

    
     

• Ballroom Dance
  
  • Waltz
    
  • Quick Step
    
  • Foxtrot
    

    
     

• Sexy Dance
  
  • Pole Dancing
    
  • Belly Dancing
    
  • Cayote Dance
    

    
     

• Hip Hop Dance
  
  • Shuffle
    
  • Breakdance (I might have second thought about this)
    
  • Pop
    
  • Capoiera (this the dolphin might need to think twice before letting me try)
    

    
     

1. Make more girl friends (I seriously have too much male friends and my best girl friend is going to America soon. Now… where is sotong??)
   
2. Learn the tricks of car fixing and driving faster but safely.
   
3. Continue my Taekwondo to 3^rd dan
   
4. Read many books. Specially the art of war.
   
5. LEARN MANDARIN!!!!! (ARGH!!! Every single one in my class is a mandarin speaker!! I dunwan to be a banana T_T)
   
6. Learn gourmet / fine dining (yes, I wanna upgrade my cooking skill)
   
7. Learn bakery (Well, to make delicious multi layered and high quality pastries)
   
8. Take fashion designing lesson (Realizing my childhood dream)
   
9. Take tailoring lesson (I have a dream since young to sew my own ballroom gown >_<)
   
10. Improve on my general knowledge
    

Finally, after such a long blog, I will continue to burn my brain with actuarial science and improve towards something useful in being a girl. At least I don't need to worry about polishing my resume anymore with the amount of event I once organized. Now I better polish it with a 4.0cgpa. XDXD